LoveGIRL.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Renisha told me earlier today that the walk from my residences(kind of in the east) to the health sciences building(west part of the campus) is about 800m. i never knew and i doubt it is but since she said it is then it is. Anyway, i was rather frustrated today and i went to the gym after dance (dance ended at 9.45pm) to vent off my frustration as usual. Well, when i am frustrated/need an outlet to vent my emotions, i normally either eat a lot of sweet things or run. In the past, i use to bite ice cubes cause the cool cold sensation numbs my mouth & face then i wouldn't think about things. And the crunching just releases the tension written on my face. But i had to stopped because i had sensitive teeth. So now its either food or run so i chose run cause yeah i dont wanna put on weight.

So basically, this is my ranting site and here's my series of unfortunate events:

1) FAILED CAKE: oven messed up my cake. Was trying to bake my cake but it just wouldn't even after 1hr. and it was totally horrid trying to clean up the mess. Because i was using a baking flan tin i didn't put baking paper. So guess what! The sugar solidified and I had to scratch my tin because nothing could take the gooey mixture out except for a metal spoon.

2) BLOCKED EAR DUCT: basically when you get sick continuously, sometimes the fluids in your nose/throat may block the eustachian tube which is a tube that is located around the middle ear. and then you get a blocked ear duct. i have been sick so many times in singapore and it hasn't happened to me before! and it just have to happen when i do a health screening here): so i had to see the doctor for like 2 min to tell me what medication i need when i alr have...25euros stripped off just like that.

3) BLOOD SAMPLE: yeah as part of the health screening we had to take blood samples. i think the weather was kinda cold so my veins were well hidden below my skin. Took me double the time compared the rest to get the same amount of blood. AND THEN GUESS WHAT? i am lacking chicken pox vaccine antigen...?!?!?! seriously...? i had multiple doses and up to last year it was still there. I tried to argue with the nurse but he insisted that i do not have. so i have to go for 2 dosages. to make things worse, chicken pox vaccine is not accounted for in my check up fee.....only hep B and MMR , so angry cause i have to spend so much $ as compared to be in singapore.

4) ORTHODONTICS ISSUE: crazy trauma to the gum episode which included me taking an X-ray 150 euros ripped off. and then now i have a detached bracket. Wow i win.

5) FRENCH: i don't know what got into me i just messed up my french mid term exam. it was so easy like i could do it right straight of my head but i was in some stone state. not even a state of blur/anxiety/mind blank. just stoned. this is by far the most devastating issue to me. Hardships like physical draining/pain is endurable ; the guilt of $ spent can be made up by being prudent; but i absolutely cannot stand losing battles to myself. I don't like to compare with others for there isn't a point as there will always be people better than mediocre me. But i have standards and challenges for myself to accomplish and i absolutely hate losing to myself. In the given case, i totally lost in terms of focus and attitude.

Anyway, now that ranting is over, it is important to discuss other pertinent issues. The gym and walk back by myself gave me time to think through. All these frustrations will come and go but i seriously need to "suck it up" as they call it. Not because there are dk how many starving ppl in Africa living worse lives than me but because i purely have to. WHY?

1) I want to make live better for others. It has to start with the people around me. By being irrationally emotional and etc , it makes it hard for my roommates and fellow singaporeans for they do not know me well. It also has to start with myself. Marcus asked me recently if I'm the type of the person who has high expectations of myself and i shot straight off the hat and said "no, I'm just serious about work". then again, after much reflection, i think it is true in some sense. I always tend to have expectations of myself that i feel an innate need to reach. Sometimes they are realistic and sometimes they are not and i always get very hard down on myself when i fail to reach those standards. I hate losing battles; I'm a great winner cause i enjoy success yet don't boast (unless its a joke) but I'm a lousy loser as well. There are a lot of difficulties for me to face disappointment and failure. Failing isn't in my dictionary and dealing with failure is often out of my capacity, i end up dwelling in it most of the time. And this needs to be changed. I am not going to include failing in my dictionary because i say so. But, i need to know how to keep picking myself up and moving on without unnecessary dwelling. Just like waves that crashed the shores and get pulled back into currents, i need to be able to accept crashing and then get back on track because that is exactly just how life is.

2) My resolutions to myself. It is pretty much the first point but a lil bit more. To be the doctor i want to be in future, i need to downplay the negativity in me and exude a positivity that will be infectious. When i am able to make bad things become good for people, or at least alleviate it, that is when my calling in life is found. As my close friends, you guys probably know how negative i am towards life and pretty much anti about most things in general even though i try hard to make it look like I'm part of the seemingly happy society. I have probably tried a hundred times or thousand times to tell myself not to be negative. Like i could stand in the mirror and repeat it to myself ten times in a row but i just can't get rid of the negativity. So i decided that i shan't waste time and energy like that. Instead, i wanna augment that little positivity in me. When things go wrong ( like these few things ), i find ways to first tune back my emotions, find some positive feeling in me and extrapolate it. I'm not great at this yet but I'm working to find positive energy in me. Finding it to expand its influence over myself and then negate the negativity since it is impossible to rid myself of my natural element. This, i think, is how i can improve myself to become the professional i have in mind.

3) Back home, I'm a princess, I'm a queen, but here, I'm nothing. Plain honest truths. I see intensities of courage and strength in many many many people here. There is so much for me to learn, so much for me to improve on. I don't cry or whatever often per se but i do have extreme talents in whining and complaining. I'm sorry my dear friends that when I'm in singapore, i have to exploit my talents. However, right here right now, i need to become stronger and courageous to face the setbacks frustrations and imperfections. Having no one (like my mum) to plan my diets, vitamin and supplement intakes, no sister to help me arrange appointments, no friends to put up with my tantrums...I hate imperfections and therefore i hate myself. But i need to find strength and courage to face imperfections and strive for the perfections i want to see. I need to be so much better than i am right now.

4) I have a chinese calligraphy hanging on my wall staring right opposite me now. And it talks about the humility of learning from everyone and all kinds of people from different stratus. I think it is time i deal away with my preset ideas and opinions and go out and talk to people and befriend others. I need to open up my eyes and heart to treasure things i have and make the best out of the experiences to come. I cannot keep searching for the comfort zone I'm used to because it is not possible to recreate one. I chose to throw myself into the unknown (i could have just waited for australia/uk again) and i will face what is to come. I am responsible for the decisions i make and i do not regret decisions i make. I need to constantly remind myself to keep learning from everyone and everything. I ned to appreciate everything i can get and find contentment here. There should be more depth in me, i just have to unearth further.

I AM WHO I AM.

5:51 PM sprinklinq love Y