So dark side... the whole idea of dark side has been surfacing of late. Well, i guess many people will define dark side differently? So i am going to label dark side as a side people do not need to know. Recently, some scandal broke out and etc so there has been a lot of gossip, judging and whatnot. But that is not an issue of me for i am interested in the drama but not participating in it and definitely not going to add oil since it is a reality. But because of the drama, i have been speaking to the older kids like Nicole, Marcus and Daniel (yes, Daniel, who finally decided that it is too cold to only wear underwear and walk around the apartment). A few days ago, we had like a htht session abit about our individual selves and also about what we thought of everything in general plus year 2 housing (abit fast right! But we are singaporeans so we are kiasu!) Generally, everyone here thinks I'm a mixture of a 小妹妹 ("XMM" as they call it) plus a princess. However, everyone got a shock when I shared my experiences, views and opinions...? Apparently, they find me "intellectual", "analytical" and "deep". And just over dinner today Nicole mentioned that she finds me "deep" and that i am probably the "first and only"person of my kind she has ever met. Is that even a compliment?????

Hmm, is that the kind of person I am? What kind of person am I? As a very goal-driven person, i always place emphasis on the person i want to become, the things i need to achieve and etc. But i don't realise what kind of person i am in the moment. It has always been what kind of person i want to be in the future but as future keeps moving forward and i move forward with it i haven't taken note of what kind of person i am in the present. Nicole said that she thinks i am so deep that i seem to have seen/better know/more matured than an average 19 year old/her (who is 20). To her, the things i tend to think about/talk about/connect about seem way above a 19 year old and i have endured many things in my short span of 19 years... "how can someone endure so much things in 19 years?". And she and marcus think that it is because of the many things i have gone through that have shaped me. 

But have i gone through a lot? I was once very sick, i might have died, but i survived. I was bullied, i.e. physically whacked, cyber-bullied and framed for breaking a CDs which nearly escalated to police case. I had gain friends and also lost many friends because of many reasons. I had a serious crush on someone which i gave up because of a friend. I have also emerged from a rls which made me learn a lot. Personally, truthfully, i prize a few things in life as they remind me of how much stronger i have grown from the past. BUT they are very normal and trivial things actually? If you look at the broader picture, there are so many people who were bullied/lost friends/failed rls and stuff and even worse things so i actually don't think i have gone through that much...?! And also i don't particularly reflect on my string of unhappy events?! I just learn and move on just like everyone else. So i don't think they are particularly right. Things just happen and i just deal with it, simple as that. Just saying, i shared these parts of my dark side (not full stories of course) because they aren't the darkest.

Daniel said that this new/dark side he sees of me is something that defines me as a thinker. Please note Daniel is into body behaviour, psychology and all those "i am sherlock holmes" kind of thing so no support/evidence okay. The eyebrow-raising moment still came even though I only know him for 3 months plus and i rarely speak to him other than badminton games and this turn of events. Hence, it's scary for someone to just metaphorically shine a torch at my heart and subtly tell me, "you are so reserved and cautious about everything and that keeps you searching for perfection which makes you imperfect". When i first got it, i was kind of like a erupted volcano like VOOM! The first few things that went through in my mind were "what went wrong"? "Why am i reserved?" "He should not be able to see all these" and etc etc etc. And when i calmed down, i was actually intrigued. Of course, after that lines of "wisdom" (as he calls it) the talks were followed by a lot of crap and jokes and XMM treatment. But i thought it was quite interesting to think about how we are as people in the present. And it is also interesting to re-visit my dark side. It seems that some things from the dark side have moved on to the lighted side, where they no longer fear being seen. But there are things that have moved into the dark side too for different fears have led them there. Then again, that's life right! With the constant changes in events, we find things moving across the boundaries, transfer of memories from one side to the other. 

In any case, i am not sure the extent of impact my dark side had on me. What i did learn is that my always "two-steps ahead" mentality coupled with my "need to improve for i will only settle for my best"principle, personal goal "to improve and positively impact others", "stay calm and deal with it" composure and "i will not bow down to vulnerability" pride are all that pieces the current me, or so i think. After all that has happened here, nothing has changed though. I still want to impact changes for people i can; i am always going to strive for the perfection i seek; i am going to maintain or strengthen the strength within and i always going to hold my front together. I may not be that strong but i am certainly not weak. I am going to be stronger and stronger and i am going to become better and better (as a person) in time. 

"How am i like as a person? Have i changed anyone's life yet? Have I inspired anyone yet?" I wonder. Yup, dark side. It's a blasphemy for many. But it is something to entertain, isn't it?